The Weather Channel reporters, bless their hearts, wear their Official Weather Persons Windbreaker with such pride as they brave 140 mph winds and side-ways rainstorms. These are the heroes of the weather persons army. Here in Southern California, where summer goes on and on and on, and where winter hits us hard on November 17th, and lasts from 3pm til 4:15 pm with temperatures dropping as low as 53 degrees, our weather persons only get to report 4 kinds of weather.
1. Hot. Really really really hot. We refer to this weather as "normal". The senior weather persons are too smart (or highly paid) to leave their air conditioned offices to report on the ridiculous heat, so they send the rookies out to the field, usually Blythe. (Blythe -- Average mean temperature 114 degrees. In the shade. At night. In January. Indoors.) The rookie's job is to report that we all need to flex our power, and turn down the AC and stop watering the lawn. So we go to the nice cool Multiplex and watch hours and hours of disaster movies. If the mercury reaches 110, we might even watch a Pauly Shore film. This is known as a "weather emergency."
2. Fire. This may be God's way of suggesting we not build houses in the Malibu Canyon because it spoils His view. Our weather persons call it "Fire Storm Watch 2008." The graphics and music departments design some very dramatic artwork and stirring music. We are glued to the television watching the tankers dip into the lakes and ocean for water to drop on the flames. Oh, then there are the typical interviews: the crotchety old fogey who refuses to evacuate, because he's lived in this canyon for 75 years, dadgumit, and he's not going anywhere; the rich guy who thinks he can keep the fire from his 8000 square foot home by using the lawn sprinklers and a garden hose; and the lady with her yappy little dog blocking the road with her Toyota Celica so the fire trucks can't navigate.
3. Rain. Our typical 1/4" deluge is known as "Storm Watch 2008". It is the delight of all the weather persons, because they get to put on the Official Weather Persons' Windbreaker and stand in the rain on the edge of the previously burned-out Malibu Canyon to describe the houses sliding down into the ocean. Since these houses are owned by people like Charlie Sheen and Sandra Bullock, we wait hopelessly for a glimpse of a famous person running out of their house in a ratty "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt and a side pony tail.
4. Earthquake. Not really a weather condition, but boy howdy, we really like these. If you just happen to be watching a local news show when an earthquake hits and the newscasters dive under the news desk, it's considered a personal coup. If your TiVo is going, you might score yourself a YouTube exclusive.
