Preparing for Grandpa's funeral has put me in a pensive state.
As my girls were growing up, we had the obligatory critter parade: hamsters, rats, mice, birds, fish, dogs and cats. Except for the dog (a 100-pound Rhodesian Ridgeback) and the cat, who had the decency to wander off someplace to die, as each animal met it's demise, it was lovingly placed in an empty Velveeta box. The box was carried to a special spot beneath the elephant bush, a hole was dug with Mom's strongest serving spoon, and we would have a small funeral. After 25 years in that house, you can only guess the amount of nachos we had to eat to accommodate the pet population. But it was simple, and a nice tradition.
Which brings me to a bit of free advice:
Don't die.
Or if you insist upon dying, do it in such a way that you leave no physical remains. For example, you might choose to lower yourself slowly into a vat of molten steel a la T2. Or you might hire a large, hungry carnivore (i.e. shark or grizzly) which will finish you off in one sitting. Alien abduction might work, but apparently they insist on bringing folks back, which sort of defeats the purpose.
My point is this: unless you planned way ahead and set up the whole "pre-need funeral arrangements" thing back in the mid 1970s, you won't be able to afford to have yourself buried. We're talking like eight grand for a simple graveside service...pecan wood casket et al. If you planned to leave anything to the kids, forget it. You'll be reposing in their inheritance for the rest of whatever. I'm not saying it's a racket; I don't like to call anything a racket. But it's a really really really expensive um... industry. So you might want to start dropping your spare dimes into a piggy bank to pay for your own pecan wood casket.
Unless you have a Costco-sized Velveeta box and a really sturdy spoon. In which case, you're welcome to join the Johnson Critters Memorial Park. We'll even add a nice Popsicle stick head stone; no extra charge.
As my girls were growing up, we had the obligatory critter parade: hamsters, rats, mice, birds, fish, dogs and cats. Except for the dog (a 100-pound Rhodesian Ridgeback) and the cat, who had the decency to wander off someplace to die, as each animal met it's demise, it was lovingly placed in an empty Velveeta box. The box was carried to a special spot beneath the elephant bush, a hole was dug with Mom's strongest serving spoon, and we would have a small funeral. After 25 years in that house, you can only guess the amount of nachos we had to eat to accommodate the pet population. But it was simple, and a nice tradition.
Which brings me to a bit of free advice:
Don't die.
Or if you insist upon dying, do it in such a way that you leave no physical remains. For example, you might choose to lower yourself slowly into a vat of molten steel a la T2. Or you might hire a large, hungry carnivore (i.e. shark or grizzly) which will finish you off in one sitting. Alien abduction might work, but apparently they insist on bringing folks back, which sort of defeats the purpose.
My point is this: unless you planned way ahead and set up the whole "pre-need funeral arrangements" thing back in the mid 1970s, you won't be able to afford to have yourself buried. We're talking like eight grand for a simple graveside service...pecan wood casket et al. If you planned to leave anything to the kids, forget it. You'll be reposing in their inheritance for the rest of whatever. I'm not saying it's a racket; I don't like to call anything a racket. But it's a really really really expensive um... industry. So you might want to start dropping your spare dimes into a piggy bank to pay for your own pecan wood casket.
Unless you have a Costco-sized Velveeta box and a really sturdy spoon. In which case, you're welcome to join the Johnson Critters Memorial Park. We'll even add a nice Popsicle stick head stone; no extra charge.
3 comments:
Bravo! Welcome to the fold. Now you just have to figure out how to get your RSS out there, place links on your blog to the other people you read, and...I'm just kidding. At least someone your age is blogging. :)
You should have this published!!!! *still laughing*
I don't have a costco size velveeta box but I saw last night at costco - caskets for $800. I told Paul I wanted the pink blush one with with ivory satin lining and Mary's imprinted in all the corners (you know, real classy looking). Then he can dig a hole in the yard and we're done. $800 plus tax and a classy pink Holy Mother Mary casket too!
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